The chapter has to end eventually…
Every time that I want to start a new blog post, I have this idea in my head that I know what I want to write about. But as soon as I log on here, I start to lose my train of thought. So I am just going to blurt out everything that comes to mind regarding all that has happened since my last update. I guess I’m trying to make sense of everything that has happened so far… and I’m thinking the reason why I can’t seem to structure this post in a way that’s chronological and story-like is because I think I’m still processing everything. So here goes…
I finally got a job… after all that searching, applying, and crying after every rejection email.
I really like the people there, most of them seem to be of the same mindset, where people sound polite and smile at you all the time, and just want to help and contribute to things. It is a call center where we set up inspection appointments for people who have damages to their home foundation, so customer service is a big thing there. I haven’t been there long, but it’s an easy job, not stressful at all. Although sometimes, I feel like a rushed robot on the job. I’ve been so used to talking to customers and clients in a format that allows for some leisurely conversation without any time limits. Overthinking and overanalyzing isn’t something that’s done in the call center, but it’s been so hard for me to get out of that mindset because I’ve been so used to thinking of “just in case” situations and documenting processes for every little thing that could possibly happen on the job. I wish I could put that to use somehow…
Since starting my job, I’ve been away from home more. It sucked being away from my husband and fur babies. It especially sucked to be away when Miley was going through a lot of drastic changes. I might start crying in a bit as I type this…. but because I’ve been away more, I haven’t been able to keep an eye on Miley specifically, who needed to change her diet, got UTI and had to be prescribed more medicine. Her new food and medicine made her more thirsty, so she drank more water, and in turn had to pee more, and that led to accidents in the house because my husband couldn’t address it in time. At her age, she was prone to more issues, such her diabetes, high liver and kidney enzyme levels, as well as vestibular disease. I hadn’t prepared for this at all, I don’t know how anyone can prepare for things like this… but after being told by the doc that giving her quality of life is the best option (which pretty much meant putting her to sleep), I feel defeated and felt that I had no other choice… even the doc said I had 3 choices. Really though, it was 2 choices: 1) attempt to treat her, with little chance of being the same dog and possibly prolonging her life by a sliver of time, or 2) put her to sleep so that she’s no longer suffering. Trying to do what I thought was best for her, I broke my heart by having her be put to sleep. I cried to my mom and my husband. I broke the news to some family and friends and I couldn’t stop crying for a few days. It’s been 2 weeks since she crossed the rainbow bridge and joined her brother Toby and my Dad, and I think I’m okay now… but sometimes I feel lonely, knowing she’s no longer laying in her couch in my office or laying in her crib next to me when I go to sleep. I keep trying to think that she’s better off not suffering and that it was her time to go, and to remember the 15 years I’ve had her and the needy but cute dog that she was.
Then… I’ve still got Tia to deal with, who’s tumor has not gotten any better. It seems as though her time with us may be cut short as well because the leg that doesn’t have the tumor has weakened and seems to have developed muscle atrophy in that leg. She has a difficult time walking around these days and sometimes her back legs just give up and she just lays down. She has had multiple accidents in the house, refuses to eat sometimes or will only eat a little, and prefers to drink tons of water all the time. If she doesn’t get her water, she barks and howls at my mom for more. My poor mom, she doesn’t get much sleep because of Tia needing more attention these days. I feel bad for the both of them. Tia’s getting old as well, and with her size and weight, walking around has been more of a challenge. Even with Tia showing eagerness to go outside and drink water, I think we’re going to have to eventually decide what’s best for her to have quality of life. This is a hard time…
With the rush of phone calls I have to deal with during the day, dealing with chores and other house things at home when I’m not working, Miley’s absence, and an upcoming hard decision to make about Tia… I haven’t really been able to think about myself. Things like my goals and current aspirations, projects I want to do, self care… and I just feel like I’m going in a downward spiral again, like when I was helping my mom take care of my dad before he passed.
Really, it’s coping with pet deaths is the most challenging thing I’ve been facing these days. It sucks, but I know it’s something that comes and goes, it’s fleeting, and the show will go on… But I can’t help but be in the moment and want to sulk. I’m probably going to be watching “coping with the death of a pet” videos for a bit before I get back to a normal routine.
I don’t know how to end this other than just to say, I think that’s all that I have on my mind right now. I think I’ll end it here for now and provide an update once another big change happens in my life.
